Take-Charge Living

What Are Your Reactions About the Octuplets?

2009-02-07T15:09:00.000-08:00

Would you say that Nadya Suleman,who already had six children, and just gave birth to eight more, is living a "take-charge" life? She's done exactly what she set out to do,and that's pretty take-charge, isn't it? Yet many people are furious at both the mother as well as the unnamed doctor that allowed this to happen.

What is the fury about as you see it?

Is it her ability to provide for fourteen children? Financial worries may be a moot point. Ms Suleman already has a couple of publicists and seems poised to rake in millions through movie and book rights to her story, not to mention well-paying ads featuring her eight adorable babies. There is even the question of whether this was planned for that purpose.

Perhaps she's hit a national nerve just by defying conventional norms and daring to be different. Or is the worry that even if she has enough food and clothing, what does it mean to spread love and attention to so many offspring?

Naturally I have thoughts about all of this. But, I'm writing this post because I really want to know what others think. Is this living a take-charge life, however unusual, or is it being out of control and not take-charge at all? Please let me hear from you!
Best,
Marion Jacobs, Ph.D.

Coping in financially stressful times

2009-01-13T16:53:00.000-08:00

Laguna Beach Independent Dec. 26, 2008

Guest column
The Season for Fresh Starts
By DR. MARION JACOBS

Most of us have taken a hit in the current financial crisis. As with other stressful life events—a house destroyed by earthquake or fire, serious illness, death of a loved one, divorce—there are better and worse ways to cope.
We can face the new economic changes kicking and screaming, which of course only aggravates the situation. A much healthier choice is viewing the economic crunch as a challenge to think outside the box and react creatively. Not surprisingly, research shows that people who approach adversity as a challenge fare much better than people who stay focused on how bad things are and how helpless they feel. Sure, sometimes all of us hear inner voices of doubt and worry. That doesn't mean we have to turn up the volume on those voices, or let them control our decisions.
The best way to deal with stressful times is to assess what options you have in your particular situation and take charge of those things that are in your power to control. Obviously, you can't fix the market, or undo the housing crisis, but of the things that are impacting you, what can you do that is constructive?
The American Psychological Association recently put out a tip sheet titled "Managing Your Stress in Tough Economic Times." Here are some highlights. To read the entire tip sheet go to: http://www.apapractice.org/apo/in_the_news/managing_your_ stress.html
Don't overreact with either panic or passivity to bad economic news. Your best decisions come when you stay calm and focused.
Make a detailed plan with your family for reducing expenses. Write it down. Get everyone to commit to following it. Periodically review the plan.
Avoid responding to financial stresses with unhealthy behaviors like drinking, smoking, gambling, overeating, or arguments with your partner. If you need to, seek professional help.
Turn the situation into an opportunity for growth and personal change. Reset your priorities, spend more quality time with friends and family, exercise, get enough rest, think creatively. What are some new ways to manage the situation? What are some new ways to give meaning to your life?
Get help if you need it from professional financial planners, credit counselors, psychotherapists, support groups.
Some final thoughts for coping with unwanted change: Stay in charge of yourself and your decisions. Keep your eye on where you are heading, not on what has passed. Don't let go of your sense of humor. Stay in touch with supportive people. Pat yourself on the back for taking constructive steps forward. Keep a positive attitude. Keep at it. With New Year's just around the corner, you're in the perfect season for fresh starts.
Marion Jacobs, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Laguna Beach and adjunct professor emerita at UCLA, is author of the self-help book and audio CD, "Take-Charge Living: How to Recast Your Role in Life…One Scene At A Time." Her website is www.takechargeliving. com.

2009-01-07T15:24:00.000-08:00

Hi All,

For reasons unknown Google had me unable to blog for several weeks.

During that time I had an article published in a local paper about taking charge during difficult financial times. Then, another wonderful thing happened. The New York Times interviewed me for an article about how to keep New Year's resolutions. Below are the links to both.
With best wishes for the New Year.
Marion

www.lagunabeachindependent.com

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/01/fashion/01change.html

How Are You Managing These Days?

2008-12-23T14:02:00.000-08:00

Lots of people are writing about how to make do with less in these stressful financial times. The advice is generally similar. Don't overreact and panic, make a spending plan, spend more time with friends and family, avoid abusing food, drugs or alcohol to console yourself, think creatively about new opportunities, shift your priorities from material things to relationships and other forms of less costly pleasures, appreciate what you do have instead of walking around feeling deprived. It's all great advice, but can people really do it?

I'm wondering how well managing this financial earthquake is going for most people. With American culture having been focused for so long on wealth, celebrity, ownership of things large and small, are you, your family, your friends, able to make the mental shift into appreciating things that are lower key, more everyday?

What works for you? What doesn't? Social support is a powerful thing. If we share our experiences, we can help each other through tough times. And who knows, we may discover some pretty wonderful things along the way.
Marion Jacobs

Taking Charge in Times of Financial Stress

2008-11-01T16:28:00.000-07:00

If you're like most of us, you've probably taken a hit in the current financial crisis. But as with any crisis in life, (fire, flood or earthquake, serious illness, death of a loved one, loss of an important relationship, physical assualt, just to name a few of life's crises), there are better and worse ways to cope with it.

People who approach the crisis and the problems it brings as a challenge are so much better off than people who let themselves sink into endless rumination about how bad things are and--more importantly--how helpless they are.

The constructive, the healthy way to deal with trouble, is to figure out what options you have in the situation. Then, take charge of what is in your power to control. Obviously, you can't fix the market, or undo the housing crisis, but of the things that are impacting you, what CAN you do that is constructive? For one thing, not slipping into a state of endless rehearsal of your troubles is a good start. What other useful steps, big or small, are available to you? Do you need to consult with someone for advice? What can you do to keep yourself calm and clear headed?

A good piece of advice for any crisis is to take care of yourself. that means eat well, get enough sleep, exercise, don't abuse alcohol or drugs. People think better and cope better when they are in decent shape. Also, avoid any hasty decisions. Decisions made in a panic can do a lot of damage.

I'd like to hear from you. What are you doing that is helpful to you? As a group we can support one another in this stressful time. Jump in the discussion.

Best to everyone,
Marion Jacobs, Ph.D.

The Challenge of Changing Your Behavior

2008-08-25T17:13:00.001-07:00

How well do you meet the challenge of changing your behavior when you know it would improve the quality of your life? To help you answer that question, look at the following scale. Picture number 1 as people who feel quite helpless, almost totally out of control of their lives. Number 10 is the opposite, people who feel on top of things and quite in charge of their lives. Most of us fall somewhere in between.
Take a moment. Think about it. At this point in your life, where do you place yourself?

How Much I Feel In Control Of My Life
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
I feel very little personal I feel a lot of personal control control over my life. over my life

Chances are, the less personal control (that is, the less in charge you feel over your life), the less happy you are. As a clinical psychologist, I’ve spent many years working with many different kinds of people dealing with many different kinds of problems. I am convinced the bottom line is this:
· Feeling you have a reasonable degree of personal control over your life is essential to your emotional health and well-being.
· Research shows a sense of personal control over your life is also a major contributor to keeping you physically healthy.
· The opposite is true as well. Feeling helpless is bad for both your mental and physical health.
The scale above is a useful first step for taking stock of your situation.

A Take-Charge Living poem for women

2008-08-09T15:08:00.000-07:00

Take-Charge Living is all about directing your own life instead of letting circumstances or other people run it for you. A friend just sent me this wonderful poem by that every
woman should read. It's called A Woman Should Have, and it is very much in the same spirit as my Take-Charge Living book, only said more beautifully.
Best to everyone,
Marion Jacobs

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....

one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....

that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....

that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. .

whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
or a charming Inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

What she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

Your favorite addiction?

2008-08-07T10:47:00.000-07:00

My friend Allan Hunkin, who co-manages the Take-Charge Living group on Facebook, posted this provocative question:

Subject: What is your favorite addiction?

I know that is a provocative question but don’t be embarrassed. We all have addictions and we are either getting out ahead of them or we’re not depending upon our understanding and awareness of what’s really going on.

Booze, Food, TV, Sex, Drugs, Facebook, Anger, Chocolate, Worry… what are your favorites? Sugar, Social Boozing and Worry Eating are mine.

The Take-Charge Living website, as well as the Facebook group, the book, and the new CD of the same name, is all about helping you change any behavior that is either messing up your life or at the very least keeping you from living as fulfilling a life as possible. Allan calls them addictions. Whatever you call them, the challenge is how to overcome your resistance to change, and start behaving in new ways.

Let's hear from you about your "addictions". Have you tried to change? What works and what doesn't? Sharing experiences is a real help in supporting one another.
Best,
Marion Jacobs, Ph.D.

2008-08-05T12:12:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, someone named Lee posted this response to my post about "Why It's So Hard to Break Bad Habits". Lee's response is so worthwhile, I want to share it with everyone.

Here is what Lee wrote:

I once took a course called "Changing Difficult People". It took three days, but the message was very simple. We can't change difficult people. The only thing we can change is our own reaction and behavior.

So I learned that the most difficult person to change in my life, is me! The message seems self-depricating. But actually it is completely empowering. Whenever I am in an uncomfortable situation, I know that I must decide to take action. I can't just sit back and hope for the best, because no decision is a decision.

If a pattern of behavior has lead to less than positive results, I am the only one who can break that pattern. And when I do, I am the one who can take quiet pride in having done so. What a powerful messsage!

August 4, 2008 5:27 PM

Why It's So Hard to Break Bad Habits

2008-08-03T14:38:00.000-07:00

We all know things about ourselves that we would be better off changing. Maybe it's curbing your anger, or not being so shy, or taking better care of your body, or finding a love relationship, or getting out of a bad relationship. The list is endless of the things we put up with even though common sense tells us that changing would make life so much happier.

Why is it so difficult to really make an important change? Because a part of you functions like a powerful, but hidden, stage director who lives inside you and orchestrates some of your reactions from below your conscious level of awareness. This Hidden Director as I call it, being completely loyal, meticulously follows the life script you have spent years writing for yourself. You were not necessarily aware each time you added something to your script, which is why consciously you often don’t know some of what is written there. But when you set out to change, that script stirs up feelings in you that hold you back from change. Those feelings are based on some unconscious belief that either 1) you aren’t capable of making the change or, 2) changing would cause truly awful things to happen to you—like nobody would like you anymore, or you’d lose your job, or your spouse would leave you, or you’d sound stupid—or (fill in the blank with a catastrophe).

What a breakthrough it is when people come to understand that this kind of resistant negative feeling, though compelling and intense, is only a feeling, not an accurate measure of what will really happen to you if you change. Of course you still have to manage that feeling in order to get yourself to move forward, but there are techniques for doing that. I talk a lot more about coping with resistance to change on my audio CD and in my book, Take-Charge Living: How to Recast Your Role in Life...One Scene at a Time. Read more at www.take-chargeliving.com

2008-08-01T17:34:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard about Mindfulness. Mindfulness is a wonderful skill for improving concentration and focus and shutting down some of useless chatter that goes on in our heads. It teaches us how to be really present in the moment and not jump from one thought to another. Besides it's value to your work, Mindfulness can greatly enhance the pleasure you get from the world around you. If there is interest in hearing more, let me know and I'll spell out some of the details. You can also get more information about it from my book and CD. The website is www.take-chargeliving.com

Take-Charge Living is back!

2008-07-28T11:14:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since this blog was active, but I'm back and ready to go with the release of my new CD Take-Charge Living: How to Recast Your Role in Life...One Scene at a Time. The CD and book of the same name are all about how you can make whatever changes you need to improve your life. We all have some things we do that get in our way. For me, it's moving too quickly, and not taking enough time to stop and savor things. But I'm working on it. What's your issue as far as something you do--or avoid doing--that needs to change? As a clinical psychologist, I know that personal growth is an ongoing experience. When we're alive, open to life and vibrant, we never arrive, just keep moving foward.

Breaking old habits is a challenge. Even when we rationally know it would be good for us, there's almost always a lot of static coming from the gut telling us we can't change, or don't feel ready enough to change, or something awful might happen if we try to change. But despite all this resistance, the fact is, some people are successful in making important personal changes. And when we share both the struggles and the successful strategies for change with one another, our experiences help each other grow. So let me hear from you. What are you working on in terms of your own personal development? How's it going. Especially, what do you find is most helpful?
Best to all,
Marion

What Works For You When It Comes To Changing?

2007-05-04T17:06:00.000-07:00

I'd like this blog to evolve into a place where people help each other change. So many people are struggling to figure out how to move their lives foward. Have you had any success at it? What helped you? I'd also like to hear from people about what they have tried that doesn't work. Important changes don't come easily. If they did, we wouldn't need so many self-help book or so many therapists. So your experiences might be really helpful to someone else. Please share them with us.

One reader of this blog wrote:
One reason I got your book is because I'm going through a divorce and it is helping a lot. I'm also thinking of starting my own blog about my divorce because my husband (hate to call him that) seems like the weirdest, most dishonest, and difficult person in the world to deal with. I figure a blog would help me get out my feelings and get advice from other people who might have gone through this -although I can't believe anyone else has hooked up with such a two-faced rat and made all the mistakes I've made. Do you think this is a good idea?

What do other readers feel about this reader's idea of setting up a blog to express pent up feelings and get advice? Let me hear from you. Marion

Exaggerated Fears of Change Paralyze Action

2007-04-23T14:53:00.001-07:00

It looks like I have a steady reader in Iva Agnes. My blog has been running less than a week and she's already written twice. This time Iva asks:

Thanks for talking about my comments!!! I want to ask you about a friend of mine who was also reading your book. She wants to change a couple of important family relationships but she's afraid to because she thinks it will turn people against her. She says she doesn't want to talk about the book anymore because it is too frustrating and she can't really do anything about what upsets her. I don't know what to say to her. What do you think?

First let me say you sound like a really caring friend who reaches out to help others. The support of caring friends like you really helps when a person is struggling with a family problem, as your friend is. Obviously you cannot force my book on her, or nag her into changing how she acts.

Perhaps it might help if you share a couple of ideas with her. One idea is that having strong feelings that tell us we cannot make a change without dire consequences, is actually a pretty common experience. Fortunately, such feelings are not facts. So if we can get ourselves to take a closer look at what awful thing we think would happen if we act differently towards someone, it helps get a more realistic grip on the problem. What usually becomes obvious to the person is that what they dread is highly unlikely to happen.

For example, let's say your friend's problem is with her sister and your friend tells herself, "If I confront the issue with my sister she'll never speak to me again!" She needs to take a closer look and ask herself, "What is the real chance of that happening?" That's not to say the sister might not be unhappy to be confronted with whatever the issue is. She might even be unpleasant about it, but that doesn't mean the end of the relationship. It does mean your friend needs to learn that although it isn't pleasant to do, she can indeed tolerate the discomfort of discussing the issue and move ahead with doing it.

In the book I discuss various techniques for helping yourself take some needed action even when your thoughts and feelings are resisting. You might want to read Chapter 7, which begins on page 70. It describes a specific exercise for putting exaggerated fears of disaster--which is what I guess is holding your friend back from acting--into a more realistic perspective. Even though she doesn't want to read the book, perhaps hearing some of those ideas from you would help.

The price of inaction

2007-04-22T12:08:00.000-07:00

One of our readers, Iva Agnes, makes a wonderful point about what happens when people wait to feel ready before changing some behavior in their lives that is not working for them. Iva said:

Dr. Jacobs, You make an excellent point about positive thinking vs taking action. I kept waiting to start feeling positive about changing and all that happened was that I got more anxious and guilty about how I wasn't changing. Then I couldn't even think about the problems I needed to change because it made me feel so bad, I just wanted to avoid the whole thing.

Iva is right. You can wait forever and never feel ready to move ahead. But all that procrastinating accomplishes is keeping you stuck, tense and very likely, like Iva, feeling guilty for not getting started. Not feeling ready to break with an old way of acting is a normal feeling. We're all wary of the unknown, and change is about the unknown. The trick is to understand that nothing terrible will happen if you go against that feeling and force yourself to start acting differently.

As I explain in my book Take-Charge Living: How to Recast Your Role in Life...In Six Acts, feelings are not facts. They feel like facts because they are so alive and seem so compelling. But feelings that get in your way of personal progress usually turn out to be built on unfounded fears. You have to defy those fears to convince your brain that you can change. I know that is exactly the opposite of the way most people think it works. The reality is, you have to act differently first, and you will feel ready and better afterwards.

You need more than The Secret to change

2007-04-20T10:47:00.000-07:00

With all the publicity The Secret is getting, people may get the idea that making a personal change is simply a matter of thinking the right thoughts. As a clinical psychologist who has helped many people make important changes in their lives, I can tell you that it takes more than positive thinking. Not that there's anything wrong with positive thinking. Not at all, but it's simply not enough. Successful change -- let's say losing weight, getting out of a bad relationship, changing careers, going back to school, curbing your temper, becoming more assertive, finding a life partner--any such personal change, takes, time, effort, a plan and practicing new behavior. When you set out to change yourself, you can also expect that at first your gut reaction will be resistance. That's because we all want to feel ready before we get rolling. The unpleasant truth is that change doesn't happen that way. In fact, it's just the opposite. You have to get started and take new action first, and you'll come to feel better afterwards. That in a nutshell is your challenge: How to get going in a new direction even though you don't feel ready and your inner voice is resisting.

What Happened to Your New Year's Resolution?

2007-04-19T13:40:00.000-07:00

This is my first shot at blogging and I'm excited to think about connecting with lots of people I would never otherwise meet.

I'm a clinical psychologist in practice in Laguna Beach. Not long ago I published a book called Take-Charge Living: How to Recast Your Role in Life...In Six Acts. I've always been interested in "giving psychology away" to the public at large, and this book is a gold mine of useful information for helping people make important personal changes on their own. You've probably heard about The Secret. It is wildly popular because so many people feel their lives are stuck and they're hungry for change. Unlike The Secret, which says thinking positively is the key to change, Take-Charge Living is all about how to successfully take action to make things better. While I agree that thinking positively is useful, I know from experience it's simply not enough. That's why so many New Year's resolutions fizzle. I hope to share with lots of you what I know works in successfully changing and moving your life in the direction you want. To learn more about my credentials and about the book, please go to my website:www.take-chargeliving.com

I look forward to hearing from you.
Marion